The Edinburgh Fringe, the world’s largest arts festival, is
a celebration of all things kooky, quirky and arty, in one of Britain’s most
charming cities. The Fringe needs no promotion; the streets are heaving
constantly with punters and performers, and all the while there is an excited
buzz about the place. And so, rather than attempt to ‘sell’ the fringe, I
thought it better to recount a couple of my experiences, performing alongside
professional comedians in the role of the conspicuous, crutching oaf.
First things first, I should preface everything with a
warning: Edinburgh is a hilly city, full of winding cobbled streets and stone
passageways, all of which can be slippery when wet. This being Scotland, rain
is never far away and when you add a dash of ‘cumbersome man on crutches’ to
this steep, wet and bumpy concoction, the results can be amusing for a
fortunate onlooker. Luckily for me, I kept falling over to a minimum, despite
taking the odd rather embarrassing tumble.
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| Spooky Edinburgh by night |
However, undoubtedly my most embarrassing moment spent on
the floor in Edinburgh came during a show. ‘Goose’ was a fast-paced, quite
bizarre, one-man comedy show, full of terrible jokes and, alas, audience
participation. In a dramatic plot twist, it was revealed that members of the
public would be roped in to act the final scene. The chosen two were a young
man wearing an outfit that wouldn’t look out of place in a B*Witched music
video, and me. I was pulled on stage, the large boot on my left leg apparently
nothing more than a fashion statement and invited to dance with a fellow
audience member on stage. I desperately protested that I was unable to walk,
but this didn’t deter my, for want of a better word, colleague. Following the
odd instructions blaring out of the speakers, he threw me to the floor,
straddled me and leaned in to kiss me. Helpless and confused, but not wanting
to ruin the show, I avoided squirming too much as the lips of this effervescent
and frankly audacious man met mine. It was an unexpected surprise, but one that
caused great amusement. It is a mark of the quality of the show that I left
feeling satisfied, despite being forced to go through such an ordeal.
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| Far, far, FAR too close... |
Other shows passed without incident. Comedian Jimeoin and
multivocal, loop-pedalling musician, Beardyman, were both excellent. But during
Ivo Graham’s stand-up gig, the curse of my leg would strike again. A sitting
target for conversation, it was perhaps unwise to sit in the front row, but it
is the kind of poor judgement that has arguably defined the last few months of
my life. I panicked unforgivably when put under the spotlight and gave rather
silly answers to his questions about Tinder, the dating app, in that they
invited laughs and further questioning. The ins and outs of what I said are
trivial details, and if anything, the upshot of all of this is that I received
a reply to my tweet from Ivo himself, and we are therefore now best of friends.
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| The first step to impending stardom |
The festival is sensational. It is no wonder that thousands
of performers and punters return year after year to indulge in its delights.
“My Fringe” was eventful and very enjoyable. I would highly recommend making
the trip if you haven’t been as the abundance and standard of shows is
astonishing. Although, if you’re a broken man on crutches, perhaps it’s best to
steer clear, to save your health and your dignity.
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