I seem to have developed two catchphrases.
1. “What the Jeff is going on?”
My repetition of this phrase has come about for the simple
reason that there exists a fundamental lack of understanding between myself and
the vast majority of Russian people. Now, the strangest part is that I feel
like I understand everything, but still end up confused, clearly not having
grasped the conversation’s most vital information. For example, imagine talking
to someone about FC Tom Tomsk’s recent change of manager, only to be told that
your presence at Tuesday’s meeting will be eagerly anticipated. Or agreeing to
meet someone on the basis of teaching them some English, following which they
invite you to move in with you and want to take you on a trip to the
countryside. More on that one soon…
2. “You could not make this stuff up.”
This phrase is used on a daily basis, but pertains
particularly to the events of Saturday. The night before had been spent at a
club called Pravda. I spent a good ten minutes dancing alone on one of the
platforms, making good use of the pole and majestically alienating myself from
every other human inside. Thankfully, I remember everything and am confident
that I can return there with at least some of my dignity still intact.
As a result of Friday’s antics, the early part of Saturday’s
trip to the tiny village of Rybalovo was characterised by a hangover and an enhanced
misunderstanding of mundane conversation. Izzi, Lucy and I visited a school,
which was holding a tree-planting festival. We were welcomed by a class of 16
year olds and treated like celebrities. Many a photograph was taken and the
staring was beyond disconcerting. Small children will stare at you for as long
as they please… The news that three English people were in town had spread like
wildfire and we met the mayor of Tomsk as well as being interviewed by Russian
television! I do hope the video goes online so that everyone can witness our
attempts to discuss the environmental impact of planting cedar trees; I’m sure
it will be uncomfortable viewing.
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| Lucy, Sasha and Izzi being interviewed for the telly |
Our hostess was incredible. She plied us with gifts of food,
photographs and clothing. The children gave us a tour of the village before
helping us to plant trees. I was introduced to one girl who promptly declared
her love for me. It turns out I’m quite a hit with 16 year old Siberian ladies… Rather fantastically, she is called Masha, but I refrained from informing her that I too am called that because she may well have collapsed from sheer delight. We planted a tree together, which is all well and good, unless it somehow means
I’ve agreed to marry her. As I’ve mentioned before, you never really know! I
will probably end up accidentally marrying her through an embarrassing
miscommunication or total cultural confusion. The whole day was lovely, but
really rather surreal.
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| Masha and Masha |
The Russians have a saying that goes something like this:
“You must plant a tree, build a house and have a son before
you can become a man.”
It looks like I'm a third of the way there! Next I'll build a house and then... Ahem, we'll see.
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