Living on the Sledge: Snow Rules

Snow has fallen, all around me. Aside from giving everything a picturesque, Christmas feel, the settling snow means one thing: going anywhere is difficult. Walking, a skill that I first succeeded in performing aged 11 months, and subsequently mastered at the age of two, has become exceptionally cumbersome. Thus, words such as slip, slide, topple and tumble have frequented my lexicon of late. Isabella and I have developed a scoring system to enjoy the snow, cold, slush and of course, ice. For if you can’t laugh at your own trivial misfortunes, then life in this world will be extremely tough. Over time, players will amass an accumulative points tally. The beauty of the system is that there are two ways to play: either you cautiously tread everywhere, aiming for a low total; or you live more dangerously, with a carefree "let's see what happens" attitude. Therefore, winners can come from either end of this double-sided spectrum. And now: living with snow rules.

• Stepping in a puddle- 5 points.
• Getting sprayed by a car- 20 points.

Puddles are devious little creatures that silently hide on pavements and attempt to drown your feet. It can be hard to tell what is ice and what is water, so you must always have your wits about you and you will find yourself staring at the ground an awful lot. The rush of freezing cold water submerging your toes is a particularly unpleasant sensation, but there may be worse to come, with more points on offer (see frostbite). However, getting sprayed by a car is a rookie mistake. We have been here long enough to know that if you stand too close to the road, you are simply asking for trouble. As a result, a drenching caused entirely by a combination of a lapse in concentration and your own remarkable stupidity yields a larger amount of points.

• Stacking it- 10 points.

I am fortunate enough to have avoided falling over so far (touch wood), but it is only a matter of time. Whatever journey you make, whether it be long or short, you will at some point be under serious threat from the ice. I have adopted a shuffling approach as well as keeping my knees shoulder-width apart, to maintain a strong, solid base. Unfortunately, even this may not be enough. Of course, the severity of the fall may change the amount of points awarded. Players will be rewarded for making flamboyant attempts to not hit the deck, and punished for falling whilst attempting a deliberate slide.

• Hit by falling snow- 35 points.
• Struck by a falling icicle- 50 points.

All over the city, there are signs warning pedestrians about snow falling from rooftops. We have already experienced several near misses. Points may be awarded for exceptionally close calls, or perhaps for expert avoidance, as well as quite literally taking it on the chin. Falling icicles are no laughing matter. 100 people per year are killed by these demons. We are hoping this won’t happen of course, but icicles do offer the most points. (http://www.oddee.com/item_98002.aspx)

• Being asked if you’re cold- 5 points.
• Receiving strange looks and comments- 10 points.

Wonderfully hospitable and caring that Russian people are, they are obliged to frequently ask whether you are cold or not. So stubbornly polite are us Brits, we will always answer this question with a stoical ‘no’, even though we are invariably freezing. The strange looks you might receive will be to do with your choice of clothing. Centuries of experience mean that the Russians know all the best ways to deal with the cold, and we don’t. Our ways to combat the temperature will certainly make us stick out like a sore thumb.

• Frostbite- 45 points.

Speaking of sore thumbs, let’s move onto frostbite. This is another big scorer and another one that I hope I won’t come across. If I do lose a finger, at least I can live safely in the knowledge that I’ve added 45 big ones to my total.

• A collision with a person, car, bus or tram- 10, 20, 30 and 40 points respectively.

Collisions with people are fairly likely, as safe places to walk become fewer and therefore more crowded. Modes of transport are slightly different. You have to remember that the snow covers the road and road signs, so zebra crossings may as well not exist anymore. The traffic can be a bit crazy and takes some getting used. I am still not used to looking out for trams, so I imagine that this will be my downfall. Below is a picture of what my face might look like if pressed up against the window of a tram. It is actually a picture of me singing The Beatles last week in a band of Russian scientists: yet another classic aspect of my Siberian life…

"Sasha and the Scientists"