The Russian Nightclub: Pros and Cons

The nightclub. A phenomenon in existence all over the world, largely based on the same premise: people of a certain age can dance, socialise and drink in a predetermined establishment. Of course, as with anything, cultural differences manifest themselves everywhere and the nightclub is no different. Below are my observations and thoughts on the Russian nightclub.

1. The Dancing

I must start with the dancing. For me, adequate dancing space is the most important aspect of a club. You need room for flailing limbs and pirouetting, or for whatever shape your body decides to adopt. In Russia, there is often too much space, but not for a lack of people; they just love having the space to move. The best example of this was in a club called Havana, in Krasnoyarsk, a huge warehouse of an establishment. One wall was lined with floor to ceiling mirrors, which led to one of the most bizarre things I have seen on a night out: people dancing with their reflection. They maintained intense eye-contact with themselves, throwing shape after ludicrous shape. In an effort to understand the these people, I have come up with a few potential reasons for practicing this hobby:

• This technique is a form of self-analysis, allowing you to fine-tune your best moves, perhaps for a competition or dance tournament.
• The reflection of your fellow dancers gives the impression that you have come here with friends, or that the club has double the amount of people.
• The mirror serves as an opportunity to satisfy your immense vanity.
• The concept of the mirror is relatively new to you and you are marvelling at the way the bloke opposite you copies your moves identically.

It is worth pointing out that most of these people have come alone. I’ve met several rather tragic people who go to clubs alone, in search of friends or perhaps a lover. But these clubbers clearly had no intention of socialising; they were at one with the music, intent only on furiously expressing themselves through the medium of dance. I of course gave it a go and felt utterly ridiculous, fully aware that this particular pastime requires a complete lack of self-consciousness. Fortunately, if we just focus on the dancing, the Russians really don’t hold back. It would seem that nothing is too. PRO.

Russians having a great time

2. The Music

Another vital aspect of the clubbing experience, but one that Russia hasn’t quite got right, is the music. Russian pop music seems to be pretty dire at the moment, exemplified by people being embarrassed to tell me the names of any current artists. In the clubs, fortunately, the majority of songs use the recognised dance music conventions of a four to the floor beat and strong bass. They even play popular, Western songs, just with a slight problem: everything is a remix. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good remix, but when someone takes Avici’s ‘Wake Me Up’ chorus away from me, I start to get a little irritated. Why play a bang average remix of such a fantastic song? Furthermore, there isn’t much variety. Yes, 5ive and Selena Gomes are unexpectedly popular out here, but until they start bringing in the likes of B*Witched and Hall & Oates, they won’t have my vote. CON.

3. The Cloakroom

This one is very simple. You don’t have to pay to check a coat, scarf, bag, or presumably anything into the cloakroom. Anywhere. I hope this is out of generosity, because when it gets cold you simply can’t leave the house with less than a couple of layers on and it is simply too dangerous to tempt people into going out in just a t-shirt, in an attempt to save a little money. Another marvellous feature of Siberia in general is that every bar, restaurant and home has an abundance of coat stands. Is there anything better than a good coat stand? PRO.

4. The Striptease

This is another one of those classic things that Russia has decided is normal, as some bizarre form of mid-clubbing entertainment. The music stops, the DJ says something inaudible and everyone turns their attention to the stage (yes, stage). A scantily clad woman will appear and begin to seductively remove her few remaining clothes. Normally, a little is left to the imagination, but in Krasnoyarsk’s aforementioned Havana Club, the ‘performer’ took all of her kit off. Everything. Spectators, primarily male, had gathered in front of the stage, clutching a beverage and watching absent-mindedly, as if this was merely a news broadcast. Even our beloved dancers at the mirrors had wrenched themselves away from themselves either to watch the spectacle, or to seek refreshment in their half-time interval. I found the whole thing quite unnecessary. I’m sure this woman was talented in her craft, but had I wanted to see it, I’m sure there are places I could go. At least warn us upon entry! The sign should read: “Half price drinks before 12, Moscow DJS and Svetlana’s genitals.” CON.

5. The Platform

The brilliance of the platform mustn’t be underestimated. It allows us amateurs to showcase our talent for the whole club to see. If you are lucky enough to find a platform with a pole, use it well. It may be a while before you find yourself in this situation again and you should never pass up such an opportunity. Clubs in Russia fully understand the importance of a good platform, such that you are often allowed to dance on the bar, in the unfortunate event of occupied platforms. But the platform is more than just a dancing tool. It is a vantage point, a break from the crowds, and even somewhere to socialise. People you meet on the platform can become lifelong friends; you will find that your views and ideals are similar, as well as sharing a love of looking like an absolute cock-womble in front of everyone… PRO.

 

Tomsk's finest club (apparently a restaurant as well, why not?)

6. The Competition

Similarly to the striptease, some clubs will incorporate a competition into the evening’s entertainment: a break from the music where a few lucky punters have the chance to win a bottle of vodka, usually by doing something ridiculous like climbing into a bin-bag or reeling off their best chat up line. This also seems unnecessary and occasionally degrading, although I may just be bitter as I haven’t yet competed, and not for a lack of trying. CON (subject to change if I compete, and win, in the not too distant future).

The Russian nightclub experience is many-layered and varies from place to place, but you are always guaranteed something absurd. You have been warned.