Dating in Russia

I wish I could take this opportunity to wax lyrical about my newfound role in life as an international player, but alas, this would be an extremely short post. Nevertheless, I have inadvertently stumbled onto the odd date with a Russian, despite the best efforts of some mind-numbingly awkward attempts at flirting, which frequently grace my conversations. If I may, I would like to share some dating experiences with you.

Far and away the most popular pastime on a date in Russia is to simply walk around for a bit (погулять - pogoolyat’). The low winter temperatures can make walking fairly unpleasant, so Russians take the opportunity to go for a casual stroll while the cold is still bearable. For a man who likes to get things done quickly, the idea of just walking around seemed rather counterproductive to me. But, I am delighted to say that it has grown on me, not least because it is a great opportunity to chat in Russian. This is the time to learn all of those useful phrases that you won’t find in an exam: primarily swear words, of which there is a wide variety, and just general slang terms. In this way, I have transformed the ‘strolling’ date into a bonus conversation class.

You will be pleased to hear that the rest of my dating experiences have been both more amusing, and not just a walk in the park. What normally happens is as follows. I agree to meet up with a girl, almost always called Katya, Irina, Nastya or Elena, and we start walking. To avoid making decisions, I tell them that they are the host, and must therefore decide where we go. This is my first, early mistake. In giving them the power, I often find myself at a museum, art gallery, or even worse, walking around the shops. We all know that the best dates are spent playing snooker or watching sport, so that you can impress her by throwing in a few facts. In the same way that I will feign a modicum of interest in Beyoncé’s new album, if she pretends to care about football, I’m onto a winner. 

Maz with girls

The middle part of the date tends to go relatively smoothly. Silence is a rarity, as I can happily talk for hours. As well as this, I’ll always have a few leading questions at the ready about family and hobbies, pre-prepared and grammatically accurate. However, the end has never, ever gone well. I throw my hands to the heavens, the internationally recognised gesture that we’re going to jovially hug this one out, but some Tomskovites clearly haven’t got the memo. One girl, despite my very clear signals, has leaned in on more than one occasion, causing me to suddenly dive sideways and shoulder her in the pouted lips. Other popular endings include one of us (namely me) causing absolute havoc by slipping on the ice or me accidentally agreeing to a follow-up meeting. Whatever it may be, something severely distressing always seems to happen.

I have met girls in the most unlikely places: travel agencies, exhibitions and even at the hairdressers. I have now had two haircuts in Tomsk. Each time, I wanted something short enough to avoid the Siberian menace that is ‘hat hair’ and each time, the hairdresser just didn’t quite cut it. But, on my second visit, I was invited to go a step further than the intimacy of a hair cut and ask out my hairdresser, Marina.

Receptionist: “Do come again! Oh and maybe have a coffee with Marina! You remember Marina?”

(Cue Marina to poke her head round the corner and awkwardly wave.)

Me: “Yes of course! Hello again… Coffee? When? Now?”

Receptionist: “No no, silly! When you ask her out!”

Me: (Uncomfortable chortle). “Great stuff. I will soon…” (Swift Exit)

Dating protocol is very different here, in comparison with England. Firstly, after a date, you are expected to call the girl the following day to ask how she is. Failure to do this can result in disastrous consequences, namely a tantrum from her and no second date for you. Of course, calling up an English girl the next day would normally warrant the question: “What are you doing?” We have that unwritten rule that you wait about three days so as not to come across as too needy. In Russia, a moment’s hesitation means you’re having doubts. They’ll happily wander around aimlessly with you, but if you don’t hastily call them, then it’s curtains for you. Incidentally, Russians do call more than they text. This actually makes perfect sense: why not sort something out on the phone in two minutes that will take a whole day’s texting to organise? But of course, this approach seems barbaric to us game-playing Brits. The most amusing thing is that they treat your decision to ignore their call several times as an invitation to resume their cyber bombardment the next day. These are the sorts of cultural differences that you need to experience first hand…

I shall leave you with one piece of dating advice for when in Russia: arm yourself with an extensive collection of turtlenecks. You will go down an absolute treat.

Maz with girls 2